Dita vs. The Jehovah's Witnesses

Sitting in the park one afternoon, minding my own business, I was approached by two mild-mannered Czech ladies. They approached me with hesitation, as if approaching a deer in the forest, afraid any sudden moves might scare me off. I expected them to ask if the bench was free, as that's usually the only reason a stranger in the park would talk to me, but instead they asked me what I thought about the evils of the world. Hmm... an unusually intriguing conversation starter.

I shrugged in response. Partly because I was caught off guard with the weight of their question, and partly because the question obviously merited something more than a two-minute offhanded reply. But that was okay because these ladies weren't in a hurry to go anywhere.

They asked if I ever thought that a solution might be possible to evils such as war and famine. My short response was that these things have always existed and will always exist, and that although I haven't considered solutions per se, I have considered what might be helpful versus harmful. They suggested that God had a solution and asked if I had ever heard of the "promise" in the bible that God would save the world (or, rather, a selected few) and let them live in a Kingdom of Heaven. You know what? No, I haven't. Probably because it's in direct opposition to many things I believe, and not only that but it contradicts the bible itself - the alleged source of these magical promises.

However, upon further discussion, it became clear that we agreed on many vital points. And yet there were certain fundamental ideas that we would not agree on even if we sat in that damned park all day - so close and yet so far! Here's a break-down of the thirty minutes that followed.

Battling Evil

JW (Jehovah's Witnesses): Is a human power capable of ridding the world of sin? No. So it would take a greater power to make these changes? Yes.

Save us, oh mighty Orangutan! Without you we're doomed!

DJ (that's me): Okay, can't argue with this one. Except to say that its entirely redundant. Yes, I agree that no human (or group of humans) can or will change the course of mankind to such an extent as to rid us of war, never mind illness or death. So, yes, I concede that if that's the plan, then you better bring in someone more qualified. However, I would argue that these changes aren't even necessary, and I say this on the grounds that they're not possible. Why fight reality? Yes, there's war. Yes, there's violence. Yes, there's death. But, what's the problem?

They clearly took this to be a lackadaisical attitude to life. Lackadaisical? Really? They're not alone. Many disapprove of my world view. But hey, I figure as long as I abstain from harming others and spread the love, then I'm doing my part. If you want to live in a world without death, then the only logical answer is to kill yourself. Because the only way to avoid death is to already be dead. Bit of a catch-22 situation, isn't it?

Applying for your Paradise Club Card

JW: Jesus only wants "good" people (a.k.a. people that follow his path, or more precisely, the JW path) in his KOH (Kingdom of Heaven). Certainly he wouldn't want any riff-raff in there (my words, not theirs - as they were speaking Czech and this is my loose, although sadly accurate, translation).

DJ: This is putting words - wrong words - in Jesus' mouth, and although I'm not a worshiper of Jesus, I feel spurred to defend the man's honor. After all, the poor guy is probably the most misunderstood figure in history, and thus simultaneously one of the most loved and most hated. The JW spoke about Jesus as if he was some kind of bouncer and the KOH was the most exclusive club in the galaxy. Although I'm all in favor of a KOH (though, as you'll read below, I have a different interpretation of what exactly that means), I disagree that this utopia is available to a select few, or that Jesus is here to judge who "deserves" to get into his club and who doesn't.

Here's a tasty nugget straight out of the bible: "God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him" (John 3:17). And what about this one: "You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else?" (Matthew 5:43-47). Why would Jesus preach love for all, while secretly hating men and women who didn't agree with his ideas? Are you calling Jesus a hypocrite?

Joining the Kingdom of Heaven

JW: The KOH is something that will happen here on earth in the not-so-distant future. God will literally descend from the heavens and transform our world of sin into a paradise without sickness or death. 

DJ: Really? Because it seems to me I'm living in the KOH right fucking now. And that's in spite of sickness and death. Beat that, Jehovah!

These numbers must indicate Jehovah's order of preference. According to this diagram, 

he loves young women most (can't blame him) and mountains least (stupid mountains - who needs 'em!)

I agreed with them on the KOH (or something equivalent) happening here on earth, but I went further to say that it's something that's already here (or at least available). This was simply too radical of an idea for the JW. And probably too much of a "Buddhist" concept for them to swallow, or even take a whiff at. Sure, it's tempting to believe in a powerful superhero such as the JW God. We love that shit. It's why we make comic book superheroes into feature film stars. It's tempting to believe in magic. But my argument was "What's wrong with the state of the world as it is?" One lady looked at me in dismay, while the other looked at me with horror. "Surely," they said, "you don't condone death or violence." No, I don't. But death and violence don't give a shit whether I "condone" them or not. They exist. End of story. 

Let me clarify here that accepting the way things are is not the same as liking or promoting them. Likewise, it doesn't mean refusing to act. When I'm ill, I go see a doctor. When my cat has anal parasites (I think the proper term is "intestinal parasites" but it doesn't have the same ring to it), I take her to the vet. Oh, I'm sorry, is that too practical an approach?

Yes, I currently live in paradise (albeit not the one the JW had in mind), right here, right now. Their idea that you must work now to get something later just didn't do it for me. I countered that the KOH is a state of mind, that I can't change the "evils" of the world, that I can only change myself, and that consequently life is pretty fucking awesome. One of the kind ladies hinted that perhaps this was a selfish attitude and that it would be nice if others got to live in the KOH as well (although I'm sure her ideas of what one has to do in order to be handed the keys to the KOH are vastly different from mine). And that brings us to our next point.

Sharing Your Sandwich

JW: You must spread the word in order to be allowed into the KOH. What word? Well, the JW word of course.

DJ: I agreed that you can't contain joy or love in some kind of vessel, that you need to give it away (and for free - not only meaning free of charge, but free of any obligation). This is a common thread throughout many religions and one I can't dispute myself, based on my own life experience. I can enjoy a delicious sandwich, but if I share that sandwich with someone else, its deliciousness increases exponentially. Funny example, yes, but it's held true time and time again. I am a channel - a sandwich shop if you will, but not the sandwich maker. I'm the distributor, but not the manufacturer. You follow?

However, as lovely of an idea as sharing your sandwich with someone is, a vegetarian will likely refuse your ham on rye. And I'm not about to force feed anyone in the name of saving their soul. After all, if there isn't a soul then it doesn't need saving, does it? As long as we're all eating something then the laws of nature warrant our survival - at least for the time being. Of course, this is where me and many (maybe all) religions go our separate ways.

I interpret this as deliciousness, but you may interpret it as vomit.

And the evangelist interprets it as an opportunity to promote sandwiches, meanwhile starving to death.

JW: It's our duty (and thus apparently mine also) to pass on this way of life to others so that they too can be saved. 

DJ: Well, that's a nice idea. I too wish others could live in the KOH that I live in. However, they don't. And I can't get them there. That's their business. Not only that, but like I said earlier, if you're a vegetarian you're not going to enjoy my ham sandwich. You need to find yourself an eggplant (or whatever it is you people eat). A sandwich is useless unless there's a hungry man (or dog) around. And depending on his hunger, even a vegetarian will eat a ham sandwich, if it means averting death. In the same vein, you can't transmit teachings - any teachings - without a willing student. Hell, you couldn't even potty train your kid without their shared excitement at the idea of not having to piss and shit in a diaper, so what makes you think you can force someone to digest an entire faith sandwich (sorry about the superfluous sandwich metaphors - it must be nearing lunch time). 

To be fair, the JW agreed on this point and held that they would not be talking to me if I hadn't welcomed them. Point for the JW.

However, I refuse to feel guilty for enjoying life. There will always be someone worse off than me. If I followed this formula, I couldn't enjoy a glass of water, because there are people in the world without water, or with water containing parasites and bacteria that make you wish you were never thirsty. Do I have to suffer because others are suffering? Who is that helping exactly? Does your "guilt complex" feed the hungry? I didn't think so. But your sandwich will feed the hungry (okay, I really gotta break for lunch soon). I'm not saying you should FedEx your sandwich to Bangladesh; what I'm saying is you can share said sandwich with a friend, or with the guy sitting right next to you (extra points if it's someone you don't like!)

Minding Your Own Fucking Business

Having said all this, I had a lovely time talking with these ladies. I'd rather discuss God with a couple of Jehovah's witnesses than discuss what color you're going to paint the bedroom. Or how you're overworked and underpaid and nobody understands you (if this is you, you need to get over yourself). Or how you ran into your ex-boyfriend at a party last night and the debauchery that ensued. 

These JW had obviously found something that worked for them. And hey, if it works, use it. But when I say use it I mean use it to fuel your own car, not someone else's. Because, believe it or not, your fuel may damage their engine. Oh, but they're out of gas you say? And they're stranded on a stretch of deserted highway with nary a soul for miles? Well, you still can't fuel their engine! I would suggest filling your own tank and moving right along. No need to get your knickers in a twist. After all, it's not a race, and it matters little how quickly or how slowly any of us get there. Just rest assured that all roads lead to Rome.

Even this one. Although, by the looks of it, it's a little off the beaten path.

Maybe best to truck on over to the next town.

And on that note, I'm off to get a sandwich...