After years of exhaustive research, countless experiments, and a few strange looks from people, I bring you...
Facial Expressions - A User's Manual
(Or Socially Acceptable Responses)
Have you ever found yourself unable to find the correct facial expression in response to someone's news? If so, this manual is for you. I've taken great pains to learn these lessons. And these are the fruits of my labor.
1. I'm having a baby!
Luckily for us all, this one's a little more straightforward than the ambiguous "I'm pregnant" because that one can go either way, but "I'm having a baby!" clearly indicates this person is excited that they're having a baby. And they want you to be too (despite the inevitable vaginal tearing and life of drudgery that follows).
Don't stare blankly at them and then remark "Oh. Nice." This is not a socially acceptable level of enthusiasm. People are excited about procreating. Also, bear in mind that their hormones (assuming they're already pregnant) are running rampant and therefore exaggerating all their emotions. You are expected to match those levels.
Do say "Wow, that's amazing!" followed by "I'm so excited for you!" Then you can always throw in "When are you due?!" or "Is it a boy or a girl?!" Or, even more personal (woman love this one), "Do you have a name picked out?" Aaaand... end scene.
Here's a sample face for those of you who learn better through visual cues:
Here's a sample face for those of you who learn better through visual cues:
Photo by Julia Roy
"Oh my God, I can't believe it, a baby!"
2. Death in the family (pets included)
I'm not kidding about the pets. For many people pets are like children. Unless you were raised in the wild, in which case they're probably more like parents to you. In any event, it's a painful experience that needs to be handled with the utmost care. Tact and delicacy are your friends in this situation.
Don't say things like "We will all die one day" or "Everything is impermanent." These responses will be met with looks of horror and/or confusion. Sadly, I know this from direct experience.
For example, this is a wholly inappropriate face (unless your intention is to implicate yourself in said person's death):
For example, this is a wholly inappropriate face (unless your intention is to implicate yourself in said person's death):
Photo by lukexmartin
"Impermanence. Am I right?"
Do give a look of quiet concern (if you're unsure what this looks like, check out the sample face below) and say something along the lines of "I'm so sorry" or "I can't imagine what you must be going through." Then you can always pull out the big guns: "I'm here for you if you need anything." It's a proven winner.
"I care deeply about everything you're saying right now."
3. I'm gaining weight/I'm fat
This one's tricky. And although there are several Do's there are some very specific Don'ts.
Don't be honest. Don't say "Yeah, I've noticed" and especially don't say "You look like a whale, haha!" These remarks will not be appreciated, regardless of how true they are. After all, people don't want truth; they want consolation. This I've learned after years of blood, sweat and tears. Even a "Hmm..." will be taken as an insult.
Do try to change the subject. This is the best way to get around this uncomfortable situation. But first you may need to toss them something like "You're beautiful." Notice how this comment neatly evades the question at hand. But be careful not to say too much, like "You're beautiful... no matter how many chins you have." Less is more. Remember, the key words are divert and exit. So make your compliment brief and then quickly change the topic. And you're outta there!
4. I lost my job/partner
Don't go the "impermanence" route with this one. In fact, impermanence - one of the greatest truths of life - should never be spoken of under any circumstances. People just can't handle that shit. So keep it to yourself.
Do make a pity face. People want you to feel their pain, and not in some sadistic kind of way, but in an empathetic way. Of course, maybe these two are friendlier than meets the eye. But I'm not here to make such connections. I'm just here to help those who are as socially retarded as I am.
Here's a sample face. Note that you can be a little more expressive here than with the "subtle concern at death" face. In fact, the general rule of thumb is, the less serious the news, the more dramatic the facial expression can be:
On a side note, you may have to gauge the person's own reaction to their loss before responding, as sometimes a face of rage would be more appropriate. In short, try to match the subject's facial expressions. It's simple. Just remember that Rage = Rage and Despair = Pity.
5. You suck
Clearly, you've angered someone. Perhaps due to an inappropriate facial expression. Perhaps due to some general form of assholery. Here's some ideas on how to cope:
Don't make excuses. People aren't interested in why you stabbed them in the heart/back; they just want satisfaction. And satisfaction comes in two flavors: (a) Simpering Subservience, and (b) Ravenous Revenge. People will usually accept subservience as payment for your evils. But if they don't get it (i.e. if you fail at the following faces) they will resort to Plan B - Revenge!
Do make a sad puppy dog face. If your face is not capable of contorting in this manner, you just need practice, that's all. The bigger the screw-up, the droopier the eyes should be. If you put some work into it, you'll be expressing various levels of shame in no time!
Here's a sample face. Note that you can be a little more expressive here than with the "subtle concern at death" face. In fact, the general rule of thumb is, the less serious the news, the more dramatic the facial expression can be:
Photo by Nicora Family
"I feel your pain. And it effing hurts."
On a side note, you may have to gauge the person's own reaction to their loss before responding, as sometimes a face of rage would be more appropriate. In short, try to match the subject's facial expressions. It's simple. Just remember that Rage = Rage and Despair = Pity.
5. You suck
Clearly, you've angered someone. Perhaps due to an inappropriate facial expression. Perhaps due to some general form of assholery. Here's some ideas on how to cope:
Don't make excuses. People aren't interested in why you stabbed them in the heart/back; they just want satisfaction. And satisfaction comes in two flavors: (a) Simpering Subservience, and (b) Ravenous Revenge. People will usually accept subservience as payment for your evils. But if they don't get it (i.e. if you fail at the following faces) they will resort to Plan B - Revenge!
Do make a sad puppy dog face. If your face is not capable of contorting in this manner, you just need practice, that's all. The bigger the screw-up, the droopier the eyes should be. If you put some work into it, you'll be expressing various levels of shame in no time!
Sample face for a minor infraction:
"I ate your sneakers. Then I pooped on the stairs."
Notice that this look could also be used when you're completely oblivious as to why said person is upset with you. It conveniently doubles as an "I'm sorry but I have no idea what you're talking about" face. But whether or not you're aware of the charges against you, this look says "I'm sorry." So in my book it's a keeper.
Sample face for a felony:
Beware: this puppy is a professional. Do not try this at home.
This puppy has mastered the look of innocence. In fact, he's so good he could cause you to question your own accusations against him ("Maybe he didn't kill the cat after all. Maybe I left the window open.") And if he's really good he may even - brace yourself for this one - execute a 180 degree shame reversal ("Man, I can't believe I blamed Spot for something so horrible. I'm a terrible dog owner.") Impressive, huh?
You will never achieve this level, but you can at least shoot in this direction. Notice the subtly lowered head, indicating shame and subservience. People eat that shit up. Make no mistake - this guy's an expert.
If you're not a puppy (or a child) then this look will require a considerate amount of work. But once you've got it, you've got it. It even works on cops, especially if you're a young woman. Tried and tested on both sides of the Atlantic!
Lastly, let me say do not - I repeat do not - open your mouth if at all avoidable. I cannot stress this enough. The less you say the better, especially since anything you say can and will be used against you (and I don't just mean in a court of law). Anything you say at this time will be perceived as flippancy and it may even come back to haunt you years down the road. I think it was Confucius who said "Silence is a friend who will never betray." So save yourself the trouble, and just stick with the face.
Final Words
Be aware that these suggestions are only for those wishing to blend into society. If you're perfectly content living like a sociopath, then these faces are not for you. Or, if you really want to confuse people, you can play a game of mismatch - try using the puppy dog face in response to the death of a friend's loved one. Or put the look of subtle concern in play when faced with baby news. It'll really throw people off!
Disclaimer: Please note that if you are at any time a lucky recipient of any of the above faces or comments by yours truly, this in no way indicates a lack of empathy on my part. Studies have shown that you can in fact feel empathy while maintaining an expression of indifference.*
*May or may not be true.
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